And the award goes to.....

Study to shew yourself approved to God, a workman that needs not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.

2 Timothy 2:15


This verse is the theme verse for Awana.    We finished our year in Awana last week.  It was the award night.  This was my first year participating in it (I am the secretary for the kindergarteners).  It was a little bittersweet.  How the year went by so fast.

As this being my first year, I can honestly say it was different from what I expected.  Not in a bad way, by any means.  I didnt know what to expect. I should back up and say ~ to be selfish ~ when I heard that they were in need of help, I said...not this year but next.  I wanted to sit home and enjoy a house that was quiet.  This would be Benjamin's first year in it as well and I would have a couple hours of just quiet.  Apparently, the Lord had other plans in mind.  The secretary position was in need of someone.  Bryan came home one night after a Awana meeting and mentioned it to me.  I kept saying Lord, I want my time.  I quickly learned that when its the Lord moving....you move!

I knew how hard my kids worked to achieve the goals the were working for.  I mean they worked hard.  I amazed me at Benjamin wanting to say more then one verse each week because Emily could.  He ended up finishing his book plus the extra credit verses and the

Benjamin right after he received his award!

 extra things that have in the book!  The joy on his face when he received his award was incredible.  The fact that I didnt have to fight (too much) with him to learn the verses and that he wanted to do his best was so inspiring at just the age of 3 (and now 4).


Emily ~ she amazes me each year.  This is her second year participating in the program.  Last year she completed 3 books in one year.  This year she completed her entire book plus the review and the gold review.  She worked hard and literally up to the last minute to complete this!  This was her goal at the beginning of the year and she was successful!    There was only Emily and one or two others that accomplished this!  It brings my heart such joy when my kids WANT to learn these verses, that they WANT to go to Awana and to know ~ if this

Emily coming off the stage after receiving her awards

brings me this much joy and pride in my kids ~ I cant imagine how the Lord feels!

I must continue, though, and explain why it was different then I expected.  I didnt expect to look forward to seeing these kids each week.  I didnt expect to love these kids as much as I do.  I didnt expect to be amazed at seeing how God was moving in each of them.  I didnt expect to be so proud of kids that werent even my own.  I didnt expect to be so proud that I was getting so choked up giving them their awards ~ even if it was simply their participation ribbon.  The fact that they came, they wanted to come, each week.  The fact that they told you things about themselves.  

I feel so honored and blessed to do what God has asked me to do.  That I moved when HE said move instead of ignore His voice to be selfish and stay home.  Dont get me wrong, I

Emily came to show me her award first! 

feel every mom (especially stay-at-home moms) NEED some time by themselves but I also feel when you hear HIS voice ~ His plans are going to be far more rewarding that catching up on the DVR!

 As sadden as I am that this year of Awana has ended, I do say with a heart full of joy and eagerness ~ I look forward to next year and seeing how the Lord will move in the hearts of these kids.   

Her children arise up, and call her blessed...
Proverbs 31:28


Mothers Day was Sunday and it's always such a blessing.  It's a blessing to have my kids with me and my husband.  To be able to share this day with my mom and my mother-in-law.  Its just wonderful.  But I also dont forget the pain that this day can also bring for some.

On Mothers Day, I am often in thought of the mothers that have passed away. Its apart of life, I realize this.  But what I am talking about is when the pass away at an early age ~ from a sickness or just so suddenly.  I often think of my cousin who is just a couple years older then me but has been without her mother for several years.  I think of one of my good friends who has been without her mom for half her life and she is about my age.  I cant imagine how incredible this day is for them as they have their own kids but how there must be this void in their lives as well.  There is almost that guilt I feel because I still have my mom here.  They have helped me to not take her (or my mother-in-law) for granted.  

Not only can mothers day be such a bittersweet day like exampled above but it can also be such a

Ben wanted Austin to wear his jacket 

painful day for others.  Woman so wanting and longing to have a baby.  Wanting or trying to get pregnant and not being able too.  Longing to adopt a baby but how long that process is.  It is a very hard situation to deal with.  My heart goes out to them because I also remember how it is.  I remember the years trying to get pregnant (not knowing that I have PCOS at this time) and it not happening.     How painful it was to celebrate mothers day and knowing I wasnt in that category.  I wasnt in the elite club that I so longed to be in. 

The Lord is amazing how He works.  He has blessed me with three amazing kids.  They are all

different right from the start.  It is incredible to see the people they are, who they are becoming and praying for what they will do and be.  Austin was my easy baby.  Never cried, asked to go to bed, walked early and everything else.  Emily was a good baby as well she was just always sick.  Ben...he was a good baby but I think he is making up for everything now ~ from all three kids!    He is a handful to say the least!  He is four and all over!  To give you an idea of how some of our days can be ~ he can be so good at school and after we get home in a 4 hour time frame can get in trouble for painting his finger nails (ok the top of ALL his fingers) red and getting some on the table cloth (thank goodness it was vinyl).  After Bryan came home I hear him yelling at Ben....Ben actually listened and did NOT throw rocks around the yard near the patio but he did throw them all over the back of the yard.  After he was sent in the house he just played at the table.  I finished the dishes and sat down and about 2 minutes later, Bryan is in the house yelling at him and spanking him.  I mean seriously, what could he have done to warrant that?  Well, he took two of Emily's dolls from her dollhouse, took the dog's food and put it in the dog's water and then proceeded to take the dolls and have them swim in the water infested with food.  Oh, did I mention there was also water all over the hardwood floors because the dolls were splashing too much?  Sometimes I wonder if Benjmain is just too bored or just too smart he doesnt know what to do with himself.  Hopefully its the last thought because with his

Sneaking the camera & taking pics of himself

imagination I have no idea how he could be bored!  This is just a sample of how my days are with Ben.  It never ends.  I admit I will lose my patients, be so upset with him or just plain ready to give up by 2:45 when I get Emily.  But with all the day-to-day events that come my way, I still sit back and praise my Lord for the amazing kids He gave me.  I may not have the confidence in raising them or I may not even feel like Iam that good of a mom BUT God knows what He is doing and I am not going to argue with His plan!  He must've thought if I could handle what we dealt with when Emily was sick & in-patient, doctors appointments and the list goes on  ~ than having Ben would be like a walk in the park!  I still sit back and wonder how He thinks I can handle it.  I cant.  The only way I do is being in constant communication with Him...loving Him and thanking Him for the blessings I have ~ the good and bad days!

Last year at mothers day was so special.  Emily asked Jesus to come into her heart the day after.  This year ~ a couple weeks ago ~ she was baptized.  Its times like this that I know I am doing His will.  Raising them to know and love God and to grow up in a Bible preaching church!    I remember that night like it was just last night.  Praying with her in her room when she went to bed.  Oh how my

Baptism 4/14/13

heart overwhelms with joy knowing my baby will be in heaven for eternity!   Its been 11 years, but I remember the night Austin did.  He was in his room and me in mine.  Bryan and I were engaged.  Austin yelled to me from his room "Mom, will you help me to pray and ask Jesus in my heart".  And thats what happened.  We yelled back and forth as he prayed and while I held back the tears! I just cant wait for when Benjamin does!

Introducing Me!

When you first meet someone, do you tend to be a little reserved?  Hold things back or tell them everything about yourself?  In the past, I feel I have been the one hiding in the corner.  Reserve may not quit fit how shy I used to be.  I do think I have come out of my shell a little bit.  Sometimes maybe a little too much!

"Introducing Me" is a song off the Camp Rock 2 CD and from the movie.  I know ~ great...why am I talking about this?!  Well, this is a silly, fun song.  Its just makes you smile when you hear it!  For me, it has special meaning.  It takes me back to a time in our life that wouldnt normally make someone smile!

When Emily was in ICU and on her vent, this was the time when The Jonas Brothers...well, they were the Justin Beiber at that time.  They were IT in Emily's world....especially Joe Jonas!  One day, I came into Emilys room...I believe after I ate lunch.  Her hands were still restrained (basically velcro straps holding her arms down by her side so she wouldnt attempt to pull her vent out).  She tried to lift her hands as much as possible to show me something she received.  When I sat down and looked what she had...it was a picture of the Jonas Brothers that one of the Child Life Specialist brought to her.  You could see her smile even though there was tape all over her mouth because of the vent!  I promised her I would buy her a picture frame to put it in so she could see it and that is what I came back with the next day!  That picture proudly sat where she could see it daily! 

When the DVD and CD came out for Camp Rock 2, I got up early to run to Target before my Dad came to get me for the hospital.  I packed everything so I could surprise her when I got there.  The smile on her faced just beamed with joy when she saw her surprise and we had to watch the DVD over and over again.  When we werent watching the DVD we were listening to the CD. Sometimes she had the tv or the cd turned up so loud, we had to close her door so we wouldnt disturb the other patients.  One doctor came by and said he understood that he had a daughter too and laughed about it! By this time, Emily earned the trust of the nurses and doctors and they agreed to take the velcro off her arms so she could move them around.  When the song "Introducing Me" came on,  Emily laughed.  Imagine...this sweet little girl, with IV's coming out from all over, a vent coming out of her mouth and she is laughing!  There is a part in the song where it goes "do, do, do do do do".  When she heard that, she laughed more and then told me to sing it.  I went along with her because it was making her so happy!  Little did I realize how much she was enjoying this.  When the doctors came to do the rounds and the room was filled with doctors and some nurses she wanted me to do it again.  They were all good sports about listening to me sing it and I dealt with the embarrassment!  I was so willing to deal with the little bit of embarrassment to just hear my baby laugh with joy.  Im sure some of it was all the good drugs the were pumping into her but still!  I had to constantly disappoint her by telling her there was no way possible she could go to the play room so to be able to make her smile and laugh...it was pure joy!

There was another time that also brought great joy to my heart.  The ICU nurses are special.  They basically live in your room all day until their shift is over.  There was one day Emily wanted me to lay with her in her bed.  I wanted to so badly but honestly...how could I possibly fit in her bed with her?  I was so terrified I was going to hurt her or something worse!  She had all these wires coming from everywhere and then this big vent coming out...there is no way this was ever going to happen.  Then, our sweet nurse said, "She wants you to lay with her, you can lay with her"!  It brought tears to my eyes that she maneuvered  everything around so I could carefully lay in bed with her.   A situation that was so  stressful and emotional ~ she (the nurse) allowed a few minutes of bonding time.  A few minutes of just normalcy!  I meant the world to me.

It amazes me how the Lord is this way too.  He never leaves us, He is always there just waiting... waiting for us to call on Him.  Waiting to introduce Him to our heart and ask Him to come in.  He is the best Medicine, the best Listener, the best Comforter, the best Healer.  Just as I longed to lay in bed with Emily for just a moment and longed to hear her sweet laugh ~ Jesus longs to hear you say "Come to my heart to stay".  Introduce yourself and your heart to Him ~ He is waiting so patiently for you!

~ As a side note, the girl in this video...she looks like Emily's first nurse she had when went into ICU that morning.  Her name  is ~ Emily!

Love Trumps Grief

Your probably wondering what that means, aren't  you?  The title of the post I mean.   Well, have you ever lost something that meant everything to you?  Have you lost something that hurt so badly it felt like you had a hole in your heart or your heart was being torn completely out of your body?

Obviously I talk a lot about Emily's journey with HLH.  You read the stories on here and what she has had to deal with and what is to come.  You have heard the side of HLH that has been ONLY about the infectious side of things.  The side that is NOT genetic.  You have heard me say how blessed we are because Emily has been able to celebrate another birthday with us.  We have been able to see how far she has come and how much she has overcome since 2007.  

There's another side to this disease.  A side that is not a comfortable side.  A side that you don't hear to much about.  Let's face it ~ frankly, you dont hear too much about HLH since its so rare (one in one million ~ 1.2 million to be almost exact).    The side that I am speaking of is the genetic side of things.  The side of things where the outcome is an almost guarantee of death.

I just finished reading a book called "Love Trumps Grief" by Kristen Akin.  This is the FIRST book I have read that is a personal story dealing with HLH.  This lady and her husband are incredible...not to mention their kids, Matthew and Andrew.  You see, Kristen is a carrier and her kids both carried the mutation for HLH.  Andrew, the youngest, first showed signs at 10 weeks old.  Her struggle to cope with things and living basically in the hospital for the entire time (from 10 weeks until his passing) is just unbelievable.  Her older son, Matthew, carried it but hadnt shown signs yet.   After four bone marrow transplants (3 for Andrew and 1 for Matthew) both of her boys died from this horrible disease.   

Can you imagine?   Thinking your kids are perfectly healthy one minute and the next fighting to keep them alive.  Even though Emily never had to have a bone marrow transplant, I could relate to so many things she mentions in her book.  All the medications, CAT scans, MRI's, biopsies, x-rays, surgeries, being in ICU, seeing your child on a vent, therapy, living in the hospital, all the medications and the list goes on.   I had a terrible time reading this book and found myself having to set it aside numerous times because of the overwhelming emotional reaction I had to it. 

Reading this, I have learned even more about the disease ~ a side of the disease that feel so blessed to have never had to encounter.  A side of the disease seems too unbearable to think about but also to unbelievable how horrible HLH can be.  This side of HLH, the genetic side of things, makes me feel so blessed with the infectious side that Emily has.  

This has made me realize how blessed I am to be able to kiss my kids good night each night.  How blessed I am that this isnt genetic and that Benjamin doesnt have it or hasnt shown any type of signs of having it.  How blessed we are that Emily is still here.  Yes, she is behind in school; yes, she has issues with memory; yes, she still takes chemo and will forever and there will probably be other issues we encounter later due to the medications that she has had to be on.   But she is here.

Be thankful for what you have for you know not what tomorrow brings.

 

If you would like to read more about Matthew and Andrew Akin's story, you can find the website at  http://www.matthewandandrew.org

   

Let go and let God

 Then they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and He bringeth them out of their distresses
~ Psalm 107:28


 When you are faced with a struggle, how do you handle it?  Do you sit and worry about it or do you give it to God and let Him handle it?  Do you make yourself sick over it?

I must admit ~ I tend to worry about things.  I am learning to give it all to God.  It's hard sometimes.  I found that when Emily was in the hospital or we had to increase medication ~ things like that, I found it easier almost.  Maybe knowing that I CANT change the outcome and that this is all in His hands ~ it made it easier...I dont know.

I know I have tried finding ways to "connect" with my kids.  Connect in a different way.  Maybe have something in common with them or try to make a special lunch for them.  Just something so we can "stay connected".  With Emily, it was us taking a cake decorating class together.  Benjamin ~ well, we are together 24/7 and honestly, I think sometimes he misses me at night and that is why he wakes me up so much ~ to spend more time together!  Austin, well, he is 16.  When I was 16 life was different then.  It took time to find something we have in common or that we can do together when he is here.  We have started having "movie night".  When Emily and Ben go to bed, Austin and I will watch a movie together.  I love it ~ its our time.

We now can say we both have something else in common.  Something that we can relate to each other with ~ something I wish wasnt the case.  Recently, Austin's cousin passed away.  They were close ~ not only in age but also friends.  They were about two years apart.  The day we found out about his cousin passing, I picked Austin up from school. It was one of the hardest things I have had to do.  This was such an emotional experience to have to face him and seeing him trying to take the news in.  It took me back to when I was 10.   

When I was 10 and in fifth grade, my cousins and aunt was in a car accident.  My cousin sitting in the backseat was killed instantly.  She was 11 and in 6th grade.  We were exactly on year and one week apart.  We were close.  At 10, that was the first death experience I had that was so close to me.  I still remember everything like it happened last night.  I remember where we were, who called, who answered the phone.  I remember the next day and going to school (it happened on a Thursday night) and crying all day.  I then remember going to the funeral home and then the funeral.  I remember sitting there and watching my aunt and uncle saying goodbye to their daughter.  Sitting there watching my grandparents say bye to their granddaughter.  I remember my grandfather leaning over and kissing her.   This all brings back painful memories ~ memories though, that I dont usually dwell on.  I remember her every year on her birthday.  What would she look like now?  How long would she have been married?  How many kids would she have?   Would they be boys or girls or both?  These are all questions I think of but obviously, never happened.

When Austin's cousin passed away, seeing him at 16 having to deal with this unexpected tragedy, brought back all these feelings.  It helped me to feel even more compassion for him.  It helped me to sit back and say, "Lord, help me to be able to help him". 

Over the last few days, I have heard rumors and let's face it ~ when you hear rumors they usually arent true.  In this case, the rumors were so far fetched that it made me so upset and hurt me so badly.  As I was talking with someone about this situation and if I should confront the people ~ she simply said to me "let go and let God".  WOW!   Seriously, that's all I could say.    

Sounds so simple doesnt it?  But I will say its something I need to work on.  A lesson I needed to learn and in learning this, I will be able to help Austin deal with this.  This is a lesson that doesnt just apply to this situation but to everything.    Just a simple statement but a powerful one.  

When looking for ways to connect with your kids - it doesnt always take something serious like this but it could be as simple as watching a movie together or treating them to lunch.  Kiss your kids, hug your kids, tell your kids you love them.  You dont know what the next second holds.      

Another year and feeling more blessed!

 How do you plan for a party?  Do you sit down and make a menu out?  Do you plan out every detail of how its going to look, the theme and the colors?  When it comes to one of mykids birthdays ~ I do try to make sure THEY are happy and happy with how things turn out.

 When Benjamin turned four in December, I really sat down and made sure I had everything planned out.  He had a pirate themed birthday and I planned out everything down to even "naming" the food in a pirate theme.  What I didnt plan for was not feeling well at all!  His birthday was my first attempt at making chocolates and cookies.  I had started a cake decorating class so I thought the lessons I was learning would come in handy for the cookies and future parties!  I ordered the cake from a friend of mine and she did an amazing job!


Fast forward to a few weeks ago when we celebrated Emily's birthday.  She is nine now.  She LOVES elephants ~ so her theme was elephants!  Her color scheme was pink and brown and again, I sat down to make it an elephant/carnival type theme for her.  I found a cute dress with elephants all over it for her to wear to her party. I made her birthday invitations and I found adorable plates, napkins, etc at my new "go to" party place. This time, instead of ordering the cake, I wanted to do it myself.  To my surprise it turned out pretty good!  I made elephant cookies and chocolates as well!  She was happy with everything and that is all I could ask for.

Saying all this and being able to share with you how blessed I feel to be able to do this for

my kids, what I find myself doing at Emily's parties is thanking Jesus more.  With HLH and IF this was genetic form ~ most likely Emily wouldnt have seen past her sixth birthday.  Her parties are just more special to me.  Its not just "a birthday party".  Yes, it is away to celebrate her and her life but for me, its to also celebrate how far she has come.  Its a way to see how amazing our God is.   Its a chance for others to see the miracles He has done on her.

Its not just another birthday ~ its a day to reflect on how much she has dealt with in her short life, a day to remember just how blessed we are.  God is good!

The blessing jar

How full is your jar?  What did you do with the money saved in it?  

For those that have been reading my blog, may remember me talking about how I pick up pennies when I find them.  For those of you who dont remember ~ I do!  If we are in a store, outside...I dont care where we are but if I see a penny (even other forms of money) and I find it ~ I placed that in a jar that sits on my counter.  The money that is found ~ it usually happens at a time when I am worried about something.  It is a reminder to me that God is in control of everything and to continue trusting Him!  Last year, I was able to find $4.95.  I know it doesnt sound like alot...but to me ~ it was just a reminder of how much God blessed us last year and continues to bless us.  How much He takes care of us and how He is in control!

So now that you know that, you are probably wondering what I did with that.  Maybe you aren't but I am going to tell you anyway.  No, I didnt take Ben to McDonalds or to Target.  No, I didnt go buy a book on clearance at Barnes & Noble.  What I did though, I gave it to Ben to give as offering.  He went proudly into his classroom with a ziplock full of change (and mostly pennies) and gave his offering.   You maybe wondering what was the point of giving it to church or having Ben doing it.  Well, two things really.  The first being ~ the money wasnt mine!  You maybe saying "You found it, of course its yours".  See thats where I beg to differ.  I feel the Lord put that penney or that dime in the spot where I would find it to remind me of Him.  I feel because HE gave it to me ~ I will be giving it back to Him!  Now you maybe asking why I didnt put the bag of change in the offering plate.  Well, I would have but I give the kids money for offering.  Ben wanted the bag so he got it!  I also feel this is a good way to teach the kids at a young age to give back to God.

Bryan has an awesome job.  I feel blessed for him and his job and also that I can be a stay-at-home mom (with Emilys health - especially in the past this has really benefited us that I was home).  But I also feel that our money is HIS money.    We give our offering every month.  We support our missions every month but I also like to try and give back in other ways as well.  The kids dont see me writing out check out for the church.  Even if they did it wouldnt mean as much to them.  When Ben took in that bag of change - the smile on his face to be giving with a happy heart - giving joyfully - thats what mattered!  When the kids see my jar on the counter - it is a tool that can be used to explain how much the Lord has blessed us.  When we take diapers and food over to the food bank we donate too ~ this is where they can see it.  This is where I can explain to them how the Bible states it better to give!

I feel so blessed to have this jar.  I feel so blessed to be able to speak and teach my kids about giving back and the blessings we are given.  I feel so blessed to be able to teach and talk to my kids about the best gift we have been given ~ eternal life with Jesus!  

What does our jar mean to you?  Do you use it for a teaching tool?  Next time your son or daughter asks you what the jar is for how will you answer them?