Forgiven

Forgiven ~   Its such a small word but yet is so powerful!  Do you find it hard or easy to forgive?  

On my way home from Austins game one of a double header today, the song "Forgiveness" by Matthew West came on.  I only listened to a little of it and already started getting teary eyed.  Maybe it was the introduction that came before the song...the reason for the song being written.  Maybe it was just the word "forgiveness" and the meaning that goes along with it, I dont know.  What I do know is it moved me so much to sit down and do a post about it.

The song was written about a lady who wrote into  Matthew West.  Her daughter was 20 years old and killed in a car accident by a drunk driver.  The mother went to the prison to tell the driver that she forgave him and asked the judge for a lesser sentence.   Talk about forgiveness!  How would you be if a driver killed your child?   When I was in 5th grade, my cousin (she was in 6th grade at the time) was in a car accident and was killed.  My aunt and cousin were both injured and in the hospital.  I remember that night like it just happened and yet, it happened nearly 28 years ago.  My cousin, my partner in crime, was gone. What an amazing gift to give someone that has wronged you ~ to give the gift of forgiveness.

I know I tend to forgive easily.  Maybe too easily in somes opinion.  When it comes to my kids or my husband, the forgiveness comes quickly ~ the unconditional love for someone makes it easier to do so.  Others ~ I forgive but the wrong that was done...I tend to dwell on it.  I suppose if I tend to dwell on something maybe the forgiveness wasnt really there or maybe just 100% forgiveness wasnt there at the time.   

When Emily went into ICU after the 9-1-1 call, I just wanted her better.  It wasnt until she came home from the hospital and and was finished with her outpatient therapy that things started to hit me.  Life was calming down a bit and I wasnt running to the hospital twice or three times a week.  Things started to become overwhelming and it got to the point that I needed, in my eyes, to let go...forgive a person that seems to be the hardest person to forgive ~ myself.  Even though I didnt actually do anything that needed forgiveness it was the weight of the guilty the was weighing so heavily on me.  I had guilt because I have PCOS and needed fertility medication to become pregnant with Emily, I had guilt because I was getting toxemia when I was pregnant with her and they induced me two weeks early.  Guilt because she got sick.  Guilt because I didnt take her to the doctor and left it until it came to the point of septic shock and calling 911.  Guilt because I was powerless in this situation and felt I had no one to blame but myself.  I still deal with feelings of guilt when it comes to my kids.  I still deal with the fact that this isnt my fault but yet somehow blame myself.  It still takes everything in me to work on "forgiving" myself....forgiving myself that is out of my control but yet some days I feel so guilty about the situation.

One thing the does rest easy on my mind and heart is how Jesus continues to give me that precious gift of forgiveness on a daily basis.  When i mess up ~ His unconditional love is there to hold me & forgive me  ~ no questions asked!  Isnt that amazing?  Doesnt that make you want to be more like Him?  Imagine how much more peaceful our lives would be to live like Jesus...to forgive like Jesus and to love like Jesus!

I usually will post a song with the lyrics in them so you can really take in the words and the meaning of them.  Today though, I am posting the song "Forgiveness" where Matthew gives the back story about the song.  It is so powerful ~ please sit and listen to the entire thing ~ you will be moved!

Rejoice, I say

Rejoice in the Lord always; and again I say, Rejoice. 
 Philippians 4:4

Do you have those days when you know something is going to happen but your not sure if its going to be a good result?  I should rephrase that...the result being what YOU want it to be? 

I had one of those days on Thursday (6/14/12).  It was the first day of summer break for Emily and she starts it out by having to go to the doctor at the hospital.  This is one of those visits that you sit and pray that 1. we are not there all day and 2. that he will feel she is good enough to reduce some of her medication.   

This visit was a little different.  To some degree we were a little excited to go just because this was her first appointment at the new offices that were built right across the street from the hospital.  Parking was wonderful and easy, the people were friendly when greeting us and the process was flowing just smoothly.  We were called pretty quickly to go into the room and then the waiting game began!  Sitting there waiting anxiously for her doctor to come in, Emily and I sat and admired the new tables, chairs, the sink and even under counter lights!  It was all so new and fresh!  The view wasnt too bad from the windows.  Soon enough her doctor came in.  This is the most relaxed (surprisingly) that I have seen him.  

Each time we meet with him, I find that I learn something new about him.  We all know he is brilliant and the Lord has blessed my baby girl with a wonderful doctor but I learn new personal things about him.  You would think after seeing him on a regular basis (anywhere from every 2 months to every 6 months) for the last five years (yes...thats 5 years) that I would know everything there is to know about him.  WRONG!!!   I just learned this time that he has a child (at least one child) that is old enough to have made him a grandfather!  Really?  We have seen him for five years now and I just found this out!  Crazy to say the least.  What this does for me though, is I can relate to him on  a more personal level.  I now see him as more of a "person", a grandfather to some precious little child, instead of just this brilliant doctor that really used to talk over my head where I felt I need a medical dictionary just to know what he said to me. Its really amazing what you learn about people the longer your with them.

Anyway, back to the appointment.  So he looked her over and I talked with him about this cough Emily has had now for over a week.  I have been concerned but the fact that she hasnt been sick with it or no fevers I never took her to the doctor and waited to see him.  He felt it was more of an allergy cough which really put me at ease.  Then as he was finishing up the exam now came the time when I was to get all the prescriptions refilled.  As he started writing out the scripts he said the most beautiful words to me (us) ~ she can stop the steroids!  Really?  Did I hear right?  I questioned him again about what he just said (and yes, I did it again after that to make sure my ears were not fooling me).  So because she is now officially off the steroids (it would be exactly 2 years that she was put back on them in 2 weeks) she is now able to come off of 3 and possibly 4 medications she has been taking!  She is now just taking her chemo, baby aspirin and blood pressure!  The blood pressure will probably be taking away but we are just waiting for the phone call!  This was a huge answer to prayer and the outcome was a surprise really.  The outcome was what I had been praying for!  The outcome is a blessing!

Last night we went out to dinner where ever Emily wanted to go and then I also promised her I would take her to get her hair cut!  Her hair is just about long enough to donate it again so we are holding off just a little longer!  She will be starting school with a new haircut and she will be alot smaller!  I told her that people may not even recognize you!  She looks so much different when she is down to "regular size".   As I sit her and type this, eyes all watery, I am just so thankful to our God that hears our prayers, lifts us when we need to be carried, and heals!  He is our Healer!  

Even though Emily is now off most of her medication, I still have to remember though she is still a sick child and anything can trigger the disease to act up again.  Anything can set it off and start our tornado again.  I will still be protective of her and the environment but in it all, I know she is safe in His arms.  He will take care of her.  He is our God!  

So today, we are rejoicing!  we are praising His name! 

I'm waiting....

I know the answer to this question before I ask it, but have you ever waited for something?  Waited for someone? Waited for an answer or just sat and waited at the doctors office? We live in a society today where we want immediate answers and that makes waiting that much more difficult.

There is this song out called "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller.  This song was in the movie "Fireproof".  The first time I heard this son, I admit, I cried.  I felt like this song describes my (our) life with Emily and HLH!  Each time she has been in the hospital for an extended stay (more then just an overnight - IV treatment)....I feel like this is what we do...we wait.  We wait for test results, we wait for MRI's, CT scans...we just wait.   It is exhausting waiting.  We dont always get the answers we want...but that is life..right?

One thing I have learned during Emily's sickness is to have complete trust in God.  He is the one in control.  Yes, He has provided us with amazing doctors but at the same time they are not the real healers of Emily ~ God has just used them!  But during all this, there have been times where I have felt that we were waiting on God.    This song says it all...I WILL serve You while I wait.   I feel like we are still waiting on God...still waiting for Emily to be healed for good.  We may not see her complete healing on earth but the day we get to heaven...it will be a glorious day.  Not just to be able to see Jesus face to face or to see the hands and feet that were nailed to the cross but also because Emily WILL be healed for good then!   

While we wait on God...we still "run the race".  Our race is just living day-to-day with her disease.  Getting her medicine filled a few times a month, making sure she is taking her medicine, taking her to doctor appointments, learning when to be more aggressive in getting her to a doctor or to just let something go a little bit.  Learning to let her be an 8 year old kid but at the same time being aware of everything going on.  Learning to "re-cut the cord" and let go a little bit.  While I'm waiting, I will always serve my God.  I will always praise Him for what He has done.  When we deal with painful situations....i will continue to trust Him, praise Him and serve Him!

This song says it all.  I have no choice but to wait on Him.  He gives me peace in dealing with the disease and helping Emily.    

How do you think you would handle a situation without God by your side?  Would you have the peace and comfort knowing He is  in charge.  Would you be willing to wait on Him?  Would you still  serve Him, worship Him, be obedient, run the race while you wait?   I will!  I choose to serve while i wait! 

And the award goes to....

Have you ever started something you didn't finish?  Have you ever set up a goal and just felt it was too hard to achieve it?  I  have felt this way many times - that it's just too hard - to either finish what I have started or the goal just seems so far off that there would be no way to reach it.

I have talked a few times about Emily and being in Awana at church.  How much she loves it, loves going there, loves accomplishing her goals for that week.   It so awesome to see her learning, at a young age, the word of God.  It amazes me that I can give her  a scripture and the first word or two and she is just rattling the verse off.  Me, not so much so.  I have a harder time remembering things in general and to try and memorize these verses with her...she out runs me for sure in this category!

Bryan announcing names & awards

Last night was the last night for Awana for the year. This was her first year being involved in it (along with Bryan's first year being a leader) and it was all of our first time for the awards night.  It was honestly amazing to see all these kids getting on stage.  It was amazing to see all of these kids receiving awards for all their hard work.

Emily has the glasses on.

It was interesting to hear about the awards the kids receive but what was really impressive was to hear about the "biggest" award you can get  ~ the Timothy award.  This is given to 6th graders who has learned over 400 verses and has done all the required work throughout the years.  Seriously amazes me.  It was something that as I sat there, as proud as I was of Emily's accomplishment for this year, what I hope her goal will be for the future...the Timothy award!

Emily waiting to get her awards

As I said, this was Emily's first year.  She really amazed me when she finished her first book and then went on to her second book.  I thought wow, she may really be able to finish two books this year!  Never in my wildest dreams did I think she would finish her second book with about 10 weeks left of Awana and start her third book.  She did it though ~ she finished all three of her books this year!  The Hangglider, Wingrunner and Skystormer!   I nearly cried when she came home the last week to say verses and said she did it!  I am just so proud of her for accomplishing a goal that seemed nearly impossible at the beginning of the year!  I think one thing that made this maybe a little more special is that Bryan was able to be involved.  This was something they were able to do together ~ go to Awana together, come home together.  Emily was on the same team as Bryan when it came to the game time.  For the awards, Bryan was able to announce Emily and the awards she was getting!  It just made it all that much more special!

Emily showing me her awards

During the entire program, Benjamin watched and kept asking when he can go up there to get a ribbon.  During the times that I would sit with Emily and help her learn her verses, he would be saying "I want to say my verses too"!  It just brings a smile to my heart to see how excited he is to join this and to be involved.  To know that we are raising our kids to learn about Jesus, His word and to be brought up to love and trust Him as well.  Next year, Ben will be able to start Cubbies and it already brings a smile to my face!

I think why this is so special and also makes me so proud of  Emily is seeing her so proud of herself.  She reached a goal that took alot of hard work.  It also just shows me just how far she has come.  She will always be on medicine for the rest of her life, but she has also overcome so much.  She has also achieved so much, accomplished and experienced so much in her life already.  She is learning to love our Lord and trust Him.   She has taught me so much and I couldnt be more proud of her. 

Have you counted your blessings?

It's me again!  So I opened the month with a post and closing the month with a post!  I can't believe how fast this month has flown by!  

When I decide what I'm going to post about it has to "come" to me.  I have had several things that I thought about posting about this month but it was almost like "in one ear out the other" type of a thing!  For some reason though this post, I just couldnt get it out of my head.  Like literally!  Benjamin was up trying to climb in our bed from 3:00 am - 4:30 and Emily was sick starting at 3:30.  So, I have been up since 3:00 am basically with about 1 hour of sleep after that!  But anytime I would roll over or get up, this post just keep speaking to me.  I finally said, Lord, I will be posting this tomorrow and it was almost like I could stop thinking about it ~ until now!

So blessings ~ when I was at the drive thru Thursday (not McDonalds ~ Walgreens), this song came on the radio and the opening words are "I lost my keys".  As soon as Ben heard that, he said "I know this song" and continued to sing those 4 words for the remaining 10 minutes in the drive thru!

This is actually one of my favorite songs.  Not just because of the  music but also because of the words and what they mean!   Example:  have you ever been running late and couldnt find your keys when you got to the car?  You realized you left them in your other jacket and you take the time to search for them.  Or how about going grocery shopping and realize as soon as you get your cart and the kids settled that you forgot your coupons.  How about when you come out of work and its pouring down rain and you didnt bring your umbrella with you.  I know these are frustrating situations!  I think we have all been there, but have you ever taken the time to just say "Thank you, Lord"?  I know, really ~ what is there to be thankful for when your running late for work?  Maybe if you were running on time, it could have been you in that four car accident and the delayed (which I believe is the Lords doing) kept you safe!   So now your probably wondering where the positive note is when its raining and there is no umbrella?  Well, look at it this way.  There are so many people out of a job right now that, praise the Lord, you have a job to come out of to get rained on!  Also, isnt it awesome to see how He really works?  How the rain comes and it makes everything grow so we can take the time to admire HIS work?

What about all the blessings we have before us that we take for granted?  Living in a house - instead of in an alley, having food on the table every night or the means to go out to dinner - instead of standing outside with your kids begging for money so you can just share some bread or fruit.  We are so blessed and, now-a-days, we tend to have so much.  I am speaking about myself and my kids as well here.  I am so thankful for all we have yet there is that part that feels guilty for all we have.  The Lord has blessed all of us, not just buy material things but in ways we dont even realize sometimes.  How He kept us from that accident, how you somehow had that extra 5.00 to pay for the remaining grocery bill.   

Dont take for granted all you have.  Next time, take a little time to just say a "thank you" to Him for running late!  Take some time today, to sit down and just realized how blessed you are!

Here is the song I talked about earlier ~ hope you enjoy it!

 

Is this where you belong?

This is not my home...at least that is what I try to remember, especially on days that just seem like it takes forever to get over!  I can rest assure that one day I will be home to my home in Heaven!  Did you know I am a Princess?  I am a child of the King and one day I will show you my amazing home when HE is finished preparing it for me to live in forever!

Isnt that a little nice to think about?  To know the bad days here on earth are just that...bad days that come to an end and one day we will never have another bad day again!  On days that Ben is just screaming at the top of his lungs because he isnt getting what he wants or Emily is having an emotional melt down about something else.  Better yet, both of them at the same time!  I need to remember to take a step back and remember one day, this will be over because there will be no fighting, melt downs, emotional roller coasters and screaming in Heaven.  The beautiful sounds of the angels singing is what I wait to hear!

Last week, while eating dinner out, I took Emily's Awana book with us so she could practice her versus for the next night (by the way, she said 6 of them last week!).  Since she is wanting to badly to finish her 3rd book this year in the next 5 weeks (when Awana ends), we have been kind of jumping around a little.  Doing the little things that she can do now and concentrate on the bigger versus she needs to say.  While we were looking at the things she could do now, one of them was for her to draw a picture of the wonderful City we will live in one day.  Around the "frame" on the page there was different things describing what Heaven will be like.  One of the things on the frame was something like "no more sickness".  Emily looked up to me and I told her that means when we die and go to Heaven  ~ YOU wont have to take any more medicine, YOU will be healed and wont be sick anymore.   Her excitement just knowing that and the smile on her face lite the entire room up.  It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about that moment that time stopped and she knew she wasnt sick anymore and didnt have to take all the medication.

Its awesome to think that we wont be sick when we leave this place.  Its wonderful to think that we will see our loved ones that have already gone to see their prepared place in that beautiful city.  Its awesome to think that a bad day here on earth will be forgotten about forever one day - when we all get to Heaven!

There is this song that I am attaching for you....in the song it says "take this world and give me Jesus" ~ I hope that this is what your heart is singing today!  This world is not where I belong and I long to see my King with arms open wide welcoming me to the house HE has prepared for me in that City!

While I'm waiting....

 "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint"(Isaiah 40:31).).

This song came on the radio today..."While I'm Waiting".  The last time I heard it was in the "Fireproof" movie. When I heard it ~ I liked it and thought what a great song.  Today though it hit me a little differently...

Before the song started the host of the show (my awesome sat. radio ~ "The Message") started talking about the writer of the song and how it took 17 years before he would "make it"!  What a long time to wait.  But when you listen to the words of the song and how the Lord is in control of  EVERYTHING - it makes it better!  I didnt say it was easy...I just said it makes it better.

When the song started, for some reason I became so overwhelmed with emotion.  I started getting the flashbacks of Emily being in ICU.   Coming in every morning hoping the levels on the vent were lower and she was breathing more by herself, hoping she had a good night sleep, hoping we had nurses that we loved.  It was all we did was wait.  We had to learn (which is what hit me today) is that we weren't waiting for Emily to do something but we were just waiting for the Lord  and HIS timing in the situation.  His plan is always the best plan, His ways are always the best ways.  Do I like waiting...no, I am very impatient! Did I enjoy pushing the 4th floor button on the elevator everyday for a month knowing my daughter was on a vent, a feeding tube & laying in a bed in ICU?  Not for a minute.

But with as much of the dislikes that i had (and have) every time she has been in the hospital, I also feel that there is a special piece to the Lords puzzle ~ the puzzle He is working on called "Emily's life"!  Would I give anything to know that in the morning when she wakes up for school that the Lord has healed her ~ absolutely.  Do I want to rush the process ~ i cant because then the process wouldn't be perfect like the Lords process!