We all need a helping hand

We all need a helping hand from time to time.  Sometimes its easier to sit back and say "I can handle it" when deep down inside we wish someone would come in and could read our mind.  That seems scary in a way ~ someone reading our mind! I say all the time that "I have it" or "I will do it"...even if it means making myself feel even more overwhelmed then what I may already be.

Our silly Benjamin

Benjamins birthday is exactly 1 month from today.  He will be 4 then.  Goodness how fast time flies!  Anyway, I have started to really plan his birthday.  All the fun ideas I am getting (thanks Pinterest) to make this a special time for him. Having a birthday close to Christmas, I dont want him to ever feel like he is "forgotten" or that his birthday is overlooked or just mixed in with Christmas.  I want him to feel special and to always do something special.  My birthday is December 23rd - so him and I will always have something in common with a birthday that close to Christmas. Ok, so I started to ramble ~  his theme is Pirates!  He is crazy about pirates for some reason!  I have been looking for the "gold coins" - you know, the ones that are chocolate ~ every time we go to a store now.  I can never find them.  I think Emily started getting a little annoyed because recently it has become a mission of mine to find these.  Today we stopped at Meijers so I could return something.  After allowing the kids to look in the toys and beg for things for awhile, we started to leave.  As we were getting closer to the door, Ben saw a dollar section that had Christmas things.  I allowed them to stop and look.  All of a sudden I hear "MOM!"  As I turn to look, I see Emily holding up a little bag of these golden coins!  She said "I found them!".  It was so neat to see her getting so excited about this.  I know it was her way of also feeling like she has had something special to do to be involved in his party planning!  I thanked her and we hurried and grabbed a bunch of the little bags!  

Brooklyn - 5 months old

To change gears a little, I love my scrapbooking!  It seems though I havent really scrapbooked for my kids since Emily was sick in 2007.  It pains me to think I have 5 years of catching up to do!  Poor Benjamin, he doesnt even have a book yet (although I do have a book ready to start for him)!  For me, as much as I love it, it is very time consuming!  I need alot of patience, time by myself, quiet time so I can think and get my ideas in order.  I havent really had that over the last few years and especially over the last few months with us getting a dog in July!  

Her ear ring

a necklace I made for me

What I have found though, is I have started making necklaces!  I love it too!  What I love most though, I can sit at the table, still be with the kids, interact with them and still be able to do something I am enjoying!  After I finished a couple of them, Emily asked me to make one for her.  After I did that, she then asked for matching ear rings!  She asked if she could help.  I told her no...mostly because maybe I was being selfish and wanted to do something where it was "just me" or to have "just my time", but also because I knew it would take time to sit and help her with it.  So instead ~ we made Christmas ornaments.  This project was good because her and Ben could both help and their helping hands made the ornaments that much more special.  I love it because we are keeping one for our tree but are also going to give them to their teachers for gifts!  Gifts that THEY were able to help with and has made it that much more special!

"Santa's" belt is almost done

I needed Emily and Bens helping hands in making the ornaments.  I needed their hands to make them extra special.  Sure I could have done it myself and it would have meant something but I feel like because they got involved, were wanting to do it and make them, because they were excited about doing it and it was special for them....it made it all worth while! 

Sometimes, it seems like we are this way with God.  We sit back and tell Him "I can handle it" and deep down you (and HE) knows you cant.  He knows you need Him and so do you but you allow your pride or selfishness to get involved.  Trust me, I have done this.  There have been times when I have said..."I've got this" and I know deep down I dont.  I cant do it by myself.  I NEED Him.  Its awesome to know He always has my back.  He will always be there with His helping hand open and ready!  Will you grab it?  Will you hold on and accept His help?

No matter what

No matter what....it's easy to say but do we really mean it?  The words seem to flow out of our mouth sometimes...just like telling someone we will pray for them ~ do we or is it just the "proper" thing to say at that moment?  When we have struggles, trials that come our way ~ do we follow and trust God completely? No matter what?

Unfortunately (and fortunately) we have had to live this.  With Emily's sickness it really has to be a "no matter what" situation with God.  I mean, seriously, if we took matters in our own hands - how would we do it?   We obviously have trust in the doctors that care for Emily but our ultimate trust has to come from HIM!  

The dreadful anniversary that is edged in my heart and head has come and gone.  The date of September 30th.  The day that I thought part of my world was crashing at a rapid pace but also the day that my faith and trust in God was being tested one more time.  September 30th ~ the day I had to place a panic 9-1-1 phone call to save my daughters life.  The day that i would no longer see this precious little girl but see a very sick little girl in ICU on a vent for the next month!  This is a day that tends to come with emotion for me.  Yes, I remember that morning like it was just yesterday but I am learning to not let it control me at that time every year!  Its been two years and we have so much to be thankful for.  Emily is thriving and is doing remarkably well.  Coming home from the hospital and having medicine co-pays of upwards to 300.00 a month to now having them down to 20.00 a month for her is just something I could never see!  The Lord is good!

On the way home from dropping Benjamin off at pre-school, a song came on the radio.  "No matter what" is the title of the song.  As I drove and listened to the song it made me think...the Lord knows the trials we face and when we will face them...HE has already seen them!  But our test is here ~ will we still trust Him?  Will we still love Him and follow Him?  My faith is so much stronger now because of the trails we have faced in our lives.  Not just with Emily, but day-to-day trials as well.  I sit here and I can honestly say YES!  My heart and life is HIS to have!  I will follow and trust.  Not just when its "a good time" or during a trial will I do this but every day!  

When listening to this song, thoughts of the trials that we face came to mind but something else.  I thought of my cousin.  You see in the last 5 years she has lost 2 children.  A boy and a girl.  I thought how much her strength amazed and still amazes me.  What else amazed me....her faith!  How her strength came from God and how she leaned on Him to help her endure this.  She was and is a huge example to me of what faith in the Almighty God can do for a person.  Because of her loss, she has gone on to write a book now, she volunteers her time to help others who share similar stories and she is now doing speaking engagements!  The Lord has blessed her! At the time of losing her children she could have easily given up.  She could have easily become bitter with God ~ instead she CHOSE Him!  She chose to serve Him still - no matter what!

A friend of mine recently told me something that has made me really think.  She said "Everyone always says God doesn't give us more then we can handle."  She said "I think thats garbage"!  -- let me pause for a min.  i will admit when she said that, i was shocked!  i thought that is crazy and then she went on -- she said "I think He gives us MORE then we can handle so we HAVE to lean on Him and trust Him"!  I will say, I think she is right!  

I am so thankful that I have a Father that I can lean on, put all my trust in and know He has seen the trial that is coming and how it will unfold.  I will trust Him, follow Him and love Him ~ no matter what!  Will you?

 

Surrendering your blessings

I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted something.  The summer is flying by unbelievably fast!  

 

Sunday, in Sunday School, our lesson was on Abraham and Sarah.  Personally this is one of my favorite stories.  So many life lessons all mixed up in one story...it simply amazes me.  You first have the story of the faith lived by Abraham.  God said move...he moved!  He followed HIM with undeniable faith!  Sarah ~ well she seems to be a lot like your average person.  God promised her a child...a son, at that, but yet she was too impatient waiting for HIM to provide her with a child....a child with Abraham.  She took matters into her own hands and opted for her plan...plan B!    God did provide them with a child but then Abraham was to sacrifice him.  He did it!  I mean, he took his son up on the hill to be an offering to God but yet told the men that was with them WE will be back.  He had faith, that God was going to provide an animal to serve as the burnt offering.  His faith amazes me. 

How many of us would do the same thing?  How many of us would go if God said to go but had no idea where we were going to?  How many of us would be like Sarah and get too impatient with God and go with what WE think how life should go?  How many of us would be so willing to sacrifice our child for God if that is what God asked?  Would we have faith like Abraham and be willing to do that but have the faith that God would provide?  What are some of your blessings in your life?   Would you be willing to give those up if you were asked too?  Sometimes we are asked to do something and we get the blessing later...are you too impatient in waiting to receive them?

 While hearing this story on Sunday, it took me back to a couple places in my life.  The first time was just a few weeks before Emily went into the hospital the first time in 2007.  I read this as one of my devotions.  It was just so moving to me and just added to the faith that I was going to be needing in the months/ years ahead!  It also took me back to when Emily was in ICU.  I remember one day sitting in her room and just watching her.  It was a day when it was quiet ~ which, lets be honest...in ICU it was hardly ever quiet! With tears filling my eyes, I prayed.  I said Lord, she is yours!  We are just her earthly parents but she is yours.  I am so willing to give her to you but not before she is saved.Emily wasn't saved yet...she hadn't asked Jesus in her heart at that time and I just couldn't even think of letting go of her when I knew her eternity wasn't with Jesus.  The Lord has allowed us to raise her.  We are nowhere near perfect parents but we are the perfect parents that God saw fit for her.  That is a blessing.  She was saved on May 9th last year and the feeling of knowing whatever happens to her...she will be resting in the Lords hands and arms forever!  It may seem so easy for me to say this is what I prayed. 

 Now its easy to say i did that but to actually do it ~ that's a different story.  To be willing to let God have all control over your child...if HE opts to take her home then or wait.  Its hard, but I know that HE is in control of everything.  He is in control of her life.  He has blessed us so much with our kids.  Because of how He has blessed us ~ I also  have to be willing to obey Him...have faith in Him.  I have to have faith that He will take care of things!  Giving up control is NOT an easy thing.  Giving up control of a situation that we have no choice in the matter is really not easy.  When Emily was in ICU....I had no choice.  God was in complete control over the situation...the good, the bad and the ugly!  It was a hard month that month but what made all the "good, bad and ugly"  worth it all....the morning she got the vent taken out and her first words were "Mommy".  I will never forget that moment!  I will never lose the faith that I had in God at that time and because of it ~ it has made my faith stronger.   

Where does your faith lie today?  If God said to move or to give up something, would you?  Would you be willing to sacrifice one of your blessings?  What an awesome God we serve!

 

Forgiven

Forgiven ~   Its such a small word but yet is so powerful!  Do you find it hard or easy to forgive?  

On my way home from Austins game one of a double header today, the song "Forgiveness" by Matthew West came on.  I only listened to a little of it and already started getting teary eyed.  Maybe it was the introduction that came before the song...the reason for the song being written.  Maybe it was just the word "forgiveness" and the meaning that goes along with it, I dont know.  What I do know is it moved me so much to sit down and do a post about it.

The song was written about a lady who wrote into  Matthew West.  Her daughter was 20 years old and killed in a car accident by a drunk driver.  The mother went to the prison to tell the driver that she forgave him and asked the judge for a lesser sentence.   Talk about forgiveness!  How would you be if a driver killed your child?   When I was in 5th grade, my cousin (she was in 6th grade at the time) was in a car accident and was killed.  My aunt and cousin were both injured and in the hospital.  I remember that night like it just happened and yet, it happened nearly 28 years ago.  My cousin, my partner in crime, was gone. What an amazing gift to give someone that has wronged you ~ to give the gift of forgiveness.

I know I tend to forgive easily.  Maybe too easily in somes opinion.  When it comes to my kids or my husband, the forgiveness comes quickly ~ the unconditional love for someone makes it easier to do so.  Others ~ I forgive but the wrong that was done...I tend to dwell on it.  I suppose if I tend to dwell on something maybe the forgiveness wasnt really there or maybe just 100% forgiveness wasnt there at the time.   

When Emily went into ICU after the 9-1-1 call, I just wanted her better.  It wasnt until she came home from the hospital and and was finished with her outpatient therapy that things started to hit me.  Life was calming down a bit and I wasnt running to the hospital twice or three times a week.  Things started to become overwhelming and it got to the point that I needed, in my eyes, to let go...forgive a person that seems to be the hardest person to forgive ~ myself.  Even though I didnt actually do anything that needed forgiveness it was the weight of the guilty the was weighing so heavily on me.  I had guilt because I have PCOS and needed fertility medication to become pregnant with Emily, I had guilt because I was getting toxemia when I was pregnant with her and they induced me two weeks early.  Guilt because she got sick.  Guilt because I didnt take her to the doctor and left it until it came to the point of septic shock and calling 911.  Guilt because I was powerless in this situation and felt I had no one to blame but myself.  I still deal with feelings of guilt when it comes to my kids.  I still deal with the fact that this isnt my fault but yet somehow blame myself.  It still takes everything in me to work on "forgiving" myself....forgiving myself that is out of my control but yet some days I feel so guilty about the situation.

One thing the does rest easy on my mind and heart is how Jesus continues to give me that precious gift of forgiveness on a daily basis.  When i mess up ~ His unconditional love is there to hold me & forgive me  ~ no questions asked!  Isnt that amazing?  Doesnt that make you want to be more like Him?  Imagine how much more peaceful our lives would be to live like Jesus...to forgive like Jesus and to love like Jesus!

I usually will post a song with the lyrics in them so you can really take in the words and the meaning of them.  Today though, I am posting the song "Forgiveness" where Matthew gives the back story about the song.  It is so powerful ~ please sit and listen to the entire thing ~ you will be moved!

Rejoice, I say

Rejoice in the Lord always; and again I say, Rejoice. 
 Philippians 4:4

Do you have those days when you know something is going to happen but your not sure if its going to be a good result?  I should rephrase that...the result being what YOU want it to be? 

I had one of those days on Thursday (6/14/12).  It was the first day of summer break for Emily and she starts it out by having to go to the doctor at the hospital.  This is one of those visits that you sit and pray that 1. we are not there all day and 2. that he will feel she is good enough to reduce some of her medication.   

This visit was a little different.  To some degree we were a little excited to go just because this was her first appointment at the new offices that were built right across the street from the hospital.  Parking was wonderful and easy, the people were friendly when greeting us and the process was flowing just smoothly.  We were called pretty quickly to go into the room and then the waiting game began!  Sitting there waiting anxiously for her doctor to come in, Emily and I sat and admired the new tables, chairs, the sink and even under counter lights!  It was all so new and fresh!  The view wasnt too bad from the windows.  Soon enough her doctor came in.  This is the most relaxed (surprisingly) that I have seen him.  

Each time we meet with him, I find that I learn something new about him.  We all know he is brilliant and the Lord has blessed my baby girl with a wonderful doctor but I learn new personal things about him.  You would think after seeing him on a regular basis (anywhere from every 2 months to every 6 months) for the last five years (yes...thats 5 years) that I would know everything there is to know about him.  WRONG!!!   I just learned this time that he has a child (at least one child) that is old enough to have made him a grandfather!  Really?  We have seen him for five years now and I just found this out!  Crazy to say the least.  What this does for me though, is I can relate to him on  a more personal level.  I now see him as more of a "person", a grandfather to some precious little child, instead of just this brilliant doctor that really used to talk over my head where I felt I need a medical dictionary just to know what he said to me. Its really amazing what you learn about people the longer your with them.

Anyway, back to the appointment.  So he looked her over and I talked with him about this cough Emily has had now for over a week.  I have been concerned but the fact that she hasnt been sick with it or no fevers I never took her to the doctor and waited to see him.  He felt it was more of an allergy cough which really put me at ease.  Then as he was finishing up the exam now came the time when I was to get all the prescriptions refilled.  As he started writing out the scripts he said the most beautiful words to me (us) ~ she can stop the steroids!  Really?  Did I hear right?  I questioned him again about what he just said (and yes, I did it again after that to make sure my ears were not fooling me).  So because she is now officially off the steroids (it would be exactly 2 years that she was put back on them in 2 weeks) she is now able to come off of 3 and possibly 4 medications she has been taking!  She is now just taking her chemo, baby aspirin and blood pressure!  The blood pressure will probably be taking away but we are just waiting for the phone call!  This was a huge answer to prayer and the outcome was a surprise really.  The outcome was what I had been praying for!  The outcome is a blessing!

Last night we went out to dinner where ever Emily wanted to go and then I also promised her I would take her to get her hair cut!  Her hair is just about long enough to donate it again so we are holding off just a little longer!  She will be starting school with a new haircut and she will be alot smaller!  I told her that people may not even recognize you!  She looks so much different when she is down to "regular size".   As I sit her and type this, eyes all watery, I am just so thankful to our God that hears our prayers, lifts us when we need to be carried, and heals!  He is our Healer!  

Even though Emily is now off most of her medication, I still have to remember though she is still a sick child and anything can trigger the disease to act up again.  Anything can set it off and start our tornado again.  I will still be protective of her and the environment but in it all, I know she is safe in His arms.  He will take care of her.  He is our God!  

So today, we are rejoicing!  we are praising His name! 

I'm waiting....

I know the answer to this question before I ask it, but have you ever waited for something?  Waited for someone? Waited for an answer or just sat and waited at the doctors office? We live in a society today where we want immediate answers and that makes waiting that much more difficult.

There is this song out called "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller.  This song was in the movie "Fireproof".  The first time I heard this son, I admit, I cried.  I felt like this song describes my (our) life with Emily and HLH!  Each time she has been in the hospital for an extended stay (more then just an overnight - IV treatment)....I feel like this is what we do...we wait.  We wait for test results, we wait for MRI's, CT scans...we just wait.   It is exhausting waiting.  We dont always get the answers we want...but that is life..right?

One thing I have learned during Emily's sickness is to have complete trust in God.  He is the one in control.  Yes, He has provided us with amazing doctors but at the same time they are not the real healers of Emily ~ God has just used them!  But during all this, there have been times where I have felt that we were waiting on God.    This song says it all...I WILL serve You while I wait.   I feel like we are still waiting on God...still waiting for Emily to be healed for good.  We may not see her complete healing on earth but the day we get to heaven...it will be a glorious day.  Not just to be able to see Jesus face to face or to see the hands and feet that were nailed to the cross but also because Emily WILL be healed for good then!   

While we wait on God...we still "run the race".  Our race is just living day-to-day with her disease.  Getting her medicine filled a few times a month, making sure she is taking her medicine, taking her to doctor appointments, learning when to be more aggressive in getting her to a doctor or to just let something go a little bit.  Learning to let her be an 8 year old kid but at the same time being aware of everything going on.  Learning to "re-cut the cord" and let go a little bit.  While I'm waiting, I will always serve my God.  I will always praise Him for what He has done.  When we deal with painful situations....i will continue to trust Him, praise Him and serve Him!

This song says it all.  I have no choice but to wait on Him.  He gives me peace in dealing with the disease and helping Emily.    

How do you think you would handle a situation without God by your side?  Would you have the peace and comfort knowing He is  in charge.  Would you be willing to wait on Him?  Would you still  serve Him, worship Him, be obedient, run the race while you wait?   I will!  I choose to serve while i wait! 

And the award goes to....

Have you ever started something you didn't finish?  Have you ever set up a goal and just felt it was too hard to achieve it?  I  have felt this way many times - that it's just too hard - to either finish what I have started or the goal just seems so far off that there would be no way to reach it.

I have talked a few times about Emily and being in Awana at church.  How much she loves it, loves going there, loves accomplishing her goals for that week.   It so awesome to see her learning, at a young age, the word of God.  It amazes me that I can give her  a scripture and the first word or two and she is just rattling the verse off.  Me, not so much so.  I have a harder time remembering things in general and to try and memorize these verses with her...she out runs me for sure in this category!

Bryan announcing names & awards

Last night was the last night for Awana for the year. This was her first year being involved in it (along with Bryan's first year being a leader) and it was all of our first time for the awards night.  It was honestly amazing to see all these kids getting on stage.  It was amazing to see all of these kids receiving awards for all their hard work.

Emily has the glasses on.

It was interesting to hear about the awards the kids receive but what was really impressive was to hear about the "biggest" award you can get  ~ the Timothy award.  This is given to 6th graders who has learned over 400 verses and has done all the required work throughout the years.  Seriously amazes me.  It was something that as I sat there, as proud as I was of Emily's accomplishment for this year, what I hope her goal will be for the future...the Timothy award!

Emily waiting to get her awards

As I said, this was Emily's first year.  She really amazed me when she finished her first book and then went on to her second book.  I thought wow, she may really be able to finish two books this year!  Never in my wildest dreams did I think she would finish her second book with about 10 weeks left of Awana and start her third book.  She did it though ~ she finished all three of her books this year!  The Hangglider, Wingrunner and Skystormer!   I nearly cried when she came home the last week to say verses and said she did it!  I am just so proud of her for accomplishing a goal that seemed nearly impossible at the beginning of the year!  I think one thing that made this maybe a little more special is that Bryan was able to be involved.  This was something they were able to do together ~ go to Awana together, come home together.  Emily was on the same team as Bryan when it came to the game time.  For the awards, Bryan was able to announce Emily and the awards she was getting!  It just made it all that much more special!

Emily showing me her awards

During the entire program, Benjamin watched and kept asking when he can go up there to get a ribbon.  During the times that I would sit with Emily and help her learn her verses, he would be saying "I want to say my verses too"!  It just brings a smile to my heart to see how excited he is to join this and to be involved.  To know that we are raising our kids to learn about Jesus, His word and to be brought up to love and trust Him as well.  Next year, Ben will be able to start Cubbies and it already brings a smile to my face!

I think why this is so special and also makes me so proud of  Emily is seeing her so proud of herself.  She reached a goal that took alot of hard work.  It also just shows me just how far she has come.  She will always be on medicine for the rest of her life, but she has also overcome so much.  She has also achieved so much, accomplished and experienced so much in her life already.  She is learning to love our Lord and trust Him.   She has taught me so much and I couldnt be more proud of her.