I see things differently now!

Psalm 107:1 

Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, for His steadfast love endures forever!


Oh give thanks to the Lord....that is what I was doing Monday.    Monday was the day.  The day I said I wasnt going to dwell on.  The day I said I was just going to treat it as any other day, but honestly, how could I?

Monday, September 30th, was the third anniversary of the day I called 9-1-1 and Emily was in ICU.  That was the day I felt like my life changed and could have changed forever.

Monday ~ I was so thankfully we were getting ready for school.  Emily was so excited because it was picture day for her.  Benjamin was just as excited because it was his school day as well.  The date didnt really hit me too much until after I had dropped both kids off at school and I looked at the clock when I got into the car.  That is when it hit me.  Hit me that around three years ago, I was making frantic phone calls to Bryan and to 9-1-1.    As  the thoughts and memories came rushing back, one of my favorite songs came on.  "Not for a Moment" by Meredith Andrews.    As I listened to the words to the song, I could feel the tears start to form.  The song now had new meaning to me.  I loved the song but now, listening to the words ~ I felt almost as if God Himself was reminding me that during that time ~ He NEVER left us.  We - Emily - were wrapped up in His arms and He was in control of the situation.  

The day continued on, but this year, it was different for me.  This year it wasnt a time where I really sat and replayed everything in my mind and was depressed.  This year, I made a point to be more thankful.   Yes - this horrible thing happened in my daughters life BUT I am so thankful that God healed her and continues to heal her daily.  Monday - a new way to remember what happened.

And it begins again!

And so it begins again!  Another school year has started and another summer has come to an end.  How quickly this summer has gone by.  Honestly, it seems like this summer flew by faster then most.  Why?  I have no answers for you.  

When I got out of school for the summer it seemed to be a really long  and now, it seems like you blink too fast and its already the first day of school!

Before school started, we went shopping.  Yes, it is one of Emily's favorite things to do!  Spend money ~ that isnt necessarily hers!  She is a HUGE One Direction fan and we went to a mall where they have a Build-a-Bear store.  Ever since she found out that they have a One Direction Bear ~ she has seriously been bugging me to take her there to get the bear!  We went!  Oh my goodness was she a happy girl!  After enjoying a day of shopping, Ben fell asleep on the way home.  We were almost to our house when I felt as though I was hit in the face.  Not in a bad way but more in a "reality check" way.

There is a family that lives really close to our house.  When Emily and I took a cake decorating class at the beginning of the year, one of the daughters from this family took it as well.  She was a beautiful, happy and just very friendly 13 year old.  She really befriended Emily.  What was amazing to me is seeing a little bond developing between them.  What I didnt realize at the beginning is how much they also had in common.  See, this young lady was battling cancer.  She was in remission, I believe the second time.  She had a couple more treatments and then she would be finished.  We talked about the wish trip she wanted to go on.  Her medications and mostly, her love for her family.  You could see when her parents came back to pick her up just the pure love they had for her.  Not a "i feel bad for you love" but just a true love (as any parent would for their child) but it was different.  It seemed to be a much deeper love.  A love with respect built in, a love with "you are my hero" and just genuine, unconditional love.  This incredible girl was doing very well until one day during the summer.  She took a turn for the worse, she ended up having a stroke and passed away.  My heart broke into what felt like tiny pieces.  I couldnt imagine what the family was dealing with.  

As we came home from our day of shopping, I turn down the street to head home and I see the mom going for a walk.  I felt a lump develop in my throat as I try to hold back the tears.  I was able to just spend the day with my daughter.  To go shopping with her and buy her something that she really wanted.  This mom is no longer able to do that.  I was able to buy my daughter a couple new shirts for school, this mom is no longer able to do that.  Tuesday, I was able to take a picture of my daughter on her first day of school.  This mom, will no longer be able to do that.  

When we sit down this year to take our kids to school, do homework with them, go to parent-teacher conferences, sports events, school plays or whatever else our life will now be busier with ~ remember how blessed you are.  Dont take things for granted. Be thankful that you have the opportunity to do this with your child or kids.   We dont know Gods plan for our lives or our loved ones and you may not have them to do it again.

To this family, I continue to pray for you.  You are always in my thoughts and in my heart. 

I need you now

 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”   

 Deuteronomy 31:6  

The summer is coming to an end so quickly which means the kids will be back in school.  This is always so bittersweet for me.  I LOVE having the kids home with me.  I miss them terribly when they return to school BUT I dont miss the fighting!  The "missing" of them seems to go away quickly as I get into my routine again.  Going to the grocery store ~ BY MYSELF!!!  Not having to hear the fighting and begging!  

But what this time of year also brings are memories.  Memories of sort that I would rather not have to deal with.  Memories I wish I never had.  I have started to not dwell on it as much as I did on that first "anniversary".  I have learned to acknowledge the date and move past it.  The date - you ask.  The dreadful September 30, 2010 - the morning I had to call 911 for Emily.

I usually dont start thinking about it this soon.  I mean really, its like 5 weeks away ~ but whose counting!  What started the thought process and this particular date was the story of what happened.

Let me back up a little.   Last week, we went up north to my parents place.  We spent about 5 days there.  Excited for the kids to go swimming in the lake, go to the county fair, maybe go on a little day trip and, of course, get some book reading in (and SHOPPING)!   We were all looking forward to it.  The kids were able to swim a couple days out of time we were there.  It was cold....like October cold!  We decided to take a little day trip to the U.P., cross the Mackinaw Bridge (NOT my favorite part, I might add) and then come back (again, having to cross the bridge) and then shop in the city!  We shopped and ate dinner there and just had a great time.  On the way home, with Benjamin sleeping in the back, Emily simply just asked the question "what happened that day".  Bryan began to tell her the story.  Some back story and leading up to things and then he got to that morning.  As he tell the story, I sat quietly in the passenger seat.  Looking out the window in the dark sky but all I could see was that morning.  As Bryan spoke the words, the video that I had buried so deep into my mind decided to start playing.  The words spoke, almost like he was the narrator for the video I was watching.  I could feel my heart start to speed up a little and the fear start to surface.  I knew the outcome this time though, but it still didnt make it any easier.  The tears in my eyes begin to well up and I do everything to hold them back.  I close my eyes and I can once again see my little baby laying in the bed with a vent and IV's coming out from every place possible.  All I feel like saying is Lord, I need you!

After he finished, it was a quiet ride back to my parents place.  The story seemed like just that ~ a story, even though it was real life but almost three years ago.  We went on to enjoy the rest of the time there.

When we got back home, I was quickly reminded about the sub-division garage sale that is going on this weekend.  The note that was left on the counter exactly where I had placed it and then a return phone call from the lady in the sub saying she rec'd my message.  I was also quickly reminded about how I have so much work ahead of me this week.

Bryan and the kids have been a huge help.  Helping to bring things up to the garage, Bryan setting up all the tables for me and starting to get things out, the kids willing to sell some of their toys (ONLY if they get to keep the money for the sale ~ they had me sold)!  As we were taking tub after tub up, Bryan pointed over to about 6-8 tubs of clothes that I have.  All of these are marked "Emily's clothes" and then the appropriate size that goes along with what is inside.   I told him those stay here.  I said those were here "steroid" clothes and since she doesnt fit into them now, she will grow back into them!  He then went to another part of the basement.  He asked me about two other tubs.  I was shocked to see these particular tubs still there as I thought I had gotten rid of them.  These tubs were marked "Emilys clothes size 7/8".  I set those aside to look at what remained in there but later.   Later that night I sat down and opened them.  My eyes again started filling with tears as I see one tub filled with new clothes.  New clothes that all still had the tags on them.  New clothes that I had bought for her in 2010 to start the school year off and she never was given the chance to wear  them.  The pain etched back into my heart again and the sadness took over.  It saddens me and once again reminds me of the stages i missed with her. The stages that were stolen from me, from her  ~ from this disease. its another slap in the face of how it affected her.   I again found myself saying "Lord, I need you".

I realize its "only clothes" but to me, its much more.  It represents a loss almost.  It represents a time in her life that was affected by this disease.  To sit and watch little girls play that are 3 or 4 ~ it hurts.  It is a reminder of what we never got to experience.  My little girl never got to wear her 24 month  Easter dress because she was on steroids and now wearing a 5T.  My little girl didnt get to wear the clothes like the other girls in her class because they didnt make them in her size.  I know its only clothes - but its what it represents. Her life (and some degree, mine as well) is on a timeline.  Its a timeline of "oh, thats when Emily was sick the first time" or "thats when Emily just got of the steroids", etc.  Its the loss.  Its the sadness that overcomes me when it is something I wasnt expecting.  I wasnt expecting to open that tub to find that, to feel the pain again.  But after I wiped the tears away before they had a chance to wet my cheek, I was able to say...."thank you Lord, because I need You to help me with this".
 
In setting things up the way I like to have them for a sale, I found myself also saying, we have her here.   We have her and right now, she is doing wonderfully!  Right now, she is getting ready to start school and healthy.  Right now, the Lord has healed her so she can live a "normal" childhood.  I feel blessed.  She is growing into such an amazing young lady.  She loves the Lord and has given her heart to Him!  It melts my heart when I hear Emily and Benjamin singing and singing their hearts out to God.  Giving Him the praise.  That is what I will choose to dwell on.  Those little voices singing...on September 30th this year, that is what my heart and maybe my voice too, will be doing.  Giving Him the praise and the glory!

Here is a song I love and when I get into moments of crying out to God ~ this is what my heart crying to Him! 

Train up your child....

"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it"
Proverbs 22:6


About nine months we started talking about going on vacation this summer.  Bryan and I talked of how awesome it would be to go to New York.  This is great but we also needed to take into consideration Ben and if he could manage all the walking we would do.

Bryan has an aunt and uncle that live in New York.  He has been there numerous times growing up and into his adult life.  I had only been there once and it was when we got engaged!  It also happened to be six months before 9/11.  

After talking about it, we finally decided we would do it!  Benjamin would HAVE to do the walking and we knew Emily could manage it.  Now that she was off the steroids and the "puffiness" from the steroids was now gone ~ she could do it!  When we started talking about them and the different places we would go and another issue that came up was money.

Obviously New York is expensive!  Throw into the mix two kids that LOVE to shop and, oh by the way, LOVE toys...this could turn into one extra expensive vacation!   We decided to put some money away for the trip for normal spending ~ food, gas (as we were driving), costs for any museums we may go to, etc.  So to try and teach them something, I got two mason jars.  I took my p-touch and made labels that said "Emilys Jar" and "Benjamins Jar".  The labels were then put on the mason jars.  These were kept high up in the cupboard so the little hands couldn't easily get in them without me knowing.  I showed them the container I had that I was also saving my money in as well.  They did great at saving money.  Emily was saving to go to the American Girl store and Ben ~ well, he is 4 and he wants everything!   Every dime or penny they found it went in the jar.  It got to the point that they started "charging" family members $1.00 per hug to earn more money for the trip.  Emily's birthday fell in there and she asked for only money!  I was so impressed with their determination to save as much as they could so they could get what they wanted while we were gone.   In the end, Emily saved up enough money to buy 3 1/2 American girl dolls (she bought 2) and Ben saved up about half as much as Emily did.  They did an awesome job and they reaped the benefits of it!  The learned a lesson in this!

Their hard work and determination made me feel good!  I mean they have watched me save for things that I wanted. I love my Louis Vuitton ~ I admit.  They watched me save to be able to buy a purse and now they watched as I saved to buy a wallet/change purse when we went to New York.  Knowing how they are watching me and knowing that they see my determination and then I look at them, it reminds me of this verse.   I realize this verse applies to many more areas then just saving for that special thing you want....but it made me realize just how much they are learning.  It made me realize every word I say to them, every time I may yell at them ~ its training them.

Next time you say something to your kids ~ good or bad ~ will you think about it before hand?  Will you regret what you said later?   I am guilty of this.  I need to remember that I am training my kids daily.   Will the training you do, how will it pay off in the long run?  Will they be serving the Lord with it?  Will the training be to honor Him?

And the award goes to.....

Study to shew yourself approved to God, a workman that needs not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.

2 Timothy 2:15


This verse is the theme verse for Awana.    We finished our year in Awana last week.  It was the award night.  This was my first year participating in it (I am the secretary for the kindergarteners).  It was a little bittersweet.  How the year went by so fast.

As this being my first year, I can honestly say it was different from what I expected.  Not in a bad way, by any means.  I didnt know what to expect. I should back up and say ~ to be selfish ~ when I heard that they were in need of help, I said...not this year but next.  I wanted to sit home and enjoy a house that was quiet.  This would be Benjamin's first year in it as well and I would have a couple hours of just quiet.  Apparently, the Lord had other plans in mind.  The secretary position was in need of someone.  Bryan came home one night after a Awana meeting and mentioned it to me.  I kept saying Lord, I want my time.  I quickly learned that when its the Lord moving....you move!

I knew how hard my kids worked to achieve the goals the were working for.  I mean they worked hard.  I amazed me at Benjamin wanting to say more then one verse each week because Emily could.  He ended up finishing his book plus the extra credit verses and the

Benjamin right after he received his award!

 extra things that have in the book!  The joy on his face when he received his award was incredible.  The fact that I didnt have to fight (too much) with him to learn the verses and that he wanted to do his best was so inspiring at just the age of 3 (and now 4).


Emily ~ she amazes me each year.  This is her second year participating in the program.  Last year she completed 3 books in one year.  This year she completed her entire book plus the review and the gold review.  She worked hard and literally up to the last minute to complete this!  This was her goal at the beginning of the year and she was successful!    There was only Emily and one or two others that accomplished this!  It brings my heart such joy when my kids WANT to learn these verses, that they WANT to go to Awana and to know ~ if this

Emily coming off the stage after receiving her awards

brings me this much joy and pride in my kids ~ I cant imagine how the Lord feels!

I must continue, though, and explain why it was different then I expected.  I didnt expect to look forward to seeing these kids each week.  I didnt expect to love these kids as much as I do.  I didnt expect to be amazed at seeing how God was moving in each of them.  I didnt expect to be so proud of kids that werent even my own.  I didnt expect to be so proud that I was getting so choked up giving them their awards ~ even if it was simply their participation ribbon.  The fact that they came, they wanted to come, each week.  The fact that they told you things about themselves.  

I feel so honored and blessed to do what God has asked me to do.  That I moved when HE said move instead of ignore His voice to be selfish and stay home.  Dont get me wrong, I

Emily came to show me her award first! 

feel every mom (especially stay-at-home moms) NEED some time by themselves but I also feel when you hear HIS voice ~ His plans are going to be far more rewarding that catching up on the DVR!

 As sadden as I am that this year of Awana has ended, I do say with a heart full of joy and eagerness ~ I look forward to next year and seeing how the Lord will move in the hearts of these kids.   

Her children arise up, and call her blessed...
Proverbs 31:28


Mothers Day was Sunday and it's always such a blessing.  It's a blessing to have my kids with me and my husband.  To be able to share this day with my mom and my mother-in-law.  Its just wonderful.  But I also dont forget the pain that this day can also bring for some.

On Mothers Day, I am often in thought of the mothers that have passed away. Its apart of life, I realize this.  But what I am talking about is when the pass away at an early age ~ from a sickness or just so suddenly.  I often think of my cousin who is just a couple years older then me but has been without her mother for several years.  I think of one of my good friends who has been without her mom for half her life and she is about my age.  I cant imagine how incredible this day is for them as they have their own kids but how there must be this void in their lives as well.  There is almost that guilt I feel because I still have my mom here.  They have helped me to not take her (or my mother-in-law) for granted.  

Not only can mothers day be such a bittersweet day like exampled above but it can also be such a

Ben wanted Austin to wear his jacket 

painful day for others.  Woman so wanting and longing to have a baby.  Wanting or trying to get pregnant and not being able too.  Longing to adopt a baby but how long that process is.  It is a very hard situation to deal with.  My heart goes out to them because I also remember how it is.  I remember the years trying to get pregnant (not knowing that I have PCOS at this time) and it not happening.     How painful it was to celebrate mothers day and knowing I wasnt in that category.  I wasnt in the elite club that I so longed to be in. 

The Lord is amazing how He works.  He has blessed me with three amazing kids.  They are all

different right from the start.  It is incredible to see the people they are, who they are becoming and praying for what they will do and be.  Austin was my easy baby.  Never cried, asked to go to bed, walked early and everything else.  Emily was a good baby as well she was just always sick.  Ben...he was a good baby but I think he is making up for everything now ~ from all three kids!    He is a handful to say the least!  He is four and all over!  To give you an idea of how some of our days can be ~ he can be so good at school and after we get home in a 4 hour time frame can get in trouble for painting his finger nails (ok the top of ALL his fingers) red and getting some on the table cloth (thank goodness it was vinyl).  After Bryan came home I hear him yelling at Ben....Ben actually listened and did NOT throw rocks around the yard near the patio but he did throw them all over the back of the yard.  After he was sent in the house he just played at the table.  I finished the dishes and sat down and about 2 minutes later, Bryan is in the house yelling at him and spanking him.  I mean seriously, what could he have done to warrant that?  Well, he took two of Emily's dolls from her dollhouse, took the dog's food and put it in the dog's water and then proceeded to take the dolls and have them swim in the water infested with food.  Oh, did I mention there was also water all over the hardwood floors because the dolls were splashing too much?  Sometimes I wonder if Benjmain is just too bored or just too smart he doesnt know what to do with himself.  Hopefully its the last thought because with his

Sneaking the camera & taking pics of himself

imagination I have no idea how he could be bored!  This is just a sample of how my days are with Ben.  It never ends.  I admit I will lose my patients, be so upset with him or just plain ready to give up by 2:45 when I get Emily.  But with all the day-to-day events that come my way, I still sit back and praise my Lord for the amazing kids He gave me.  I may not have the confidence in raising them or I may not even feel like Iam that good of a mom BUT God knows what He is doing and I am not going to argue with His plan!  He must've thought if I could handle what we dealt with when Emily was sick & in-patient, doctors appointments and the list goes on  ~ than having Ben would be like a walk in the park!  I still sit back and wonder how He thinks I can handle it.  I cant.  The only way I do is being in constant communication with Him...loving Him and thanking Him for the blessings I have ~ the good and bad days!

Last year at mothers day was so special.  Emily asked Jesus to come into her heart the day after.  This year ~ a couple weeks ago ~ she was baptized.  Its times like this that I know I am doing His will.  Raising them to know and love God and to grow up in a Bible preaching church!    I remember that night like it was just last night.  Praying with her in her room when she went to bed.  Oh how my

Baptism 4/14/13

heart overwhelms with joy knowing my baby will be in heaven for eternity!   Its been 11 years, but I remember the night Austin did.  He was in his room and me in mine.  Bryan and I were engaged.  Austin yelled to me from his room "Mom, will you help me to pray and ask Jesus in my heart".  And thats what happened.  We yelled back and forth as he prayed and while I held back the tears! I just cant wait for when Benjamin does!

Introducing Me!

When you first meet someone, do you tend to be a little reserved?  Hold things back or tell them everything about yourself?  In the past, I feel I have been the one hiding in the corner.  Reserve may not quit fit how shy I used to be.  I do think I have come out of my shell a little bit.  Sometimes maybe a little too much!

"Introducing Me" is a song off the Camp Rock 2 CD and from the movie.  I know ~ great...why am I talking about this?!  Well, this is a silly, fun song.  Its just makes you smile when you hear it!  For me, it has special meaning.  It takes me back to a time in our life that wouldnt normally make someone smile!

When Emily was in ICU and on her vent, this was the time when The Jonas Brothers...well, they were the Justin Beiber at that time.  They were IT in Emily's world....especially Joe Jonas!  One day, I came into Emilys room...I believe after I ate lunch.  Her hands were still restrained (basically velcro straps holding her arms down by her side so she wouldnt attempt to pull her vent out).  She tried to lift her hands as much as possible to show me something she received.  When I sat down and looked what she had...it was a picture of the Jonas Brothers that one of the Child Life Specialist brought to her.  You could see her smile even though there was tape all over her mouth because of the vent!  I promised her I would buy her a picture frame to put it in so she could see it and that is what I came back with the next day!  That picture proudly sat where she could see it daily! 

When the DVD and CD came out for Camp Rock 2, I got up early to run to Target before my Dad came to get me for the hospital.  I packed everything so I could surprise her when I got there.  The smile on her faced just beamed with joy when she saw her surprise and we had to watch the DVD over and over again.  When we werent watching the DVD we were listening to the CD. Sometimes she had the tv or the cd turned up so loud, we had to close her door so we wouldnt disturb the other patients.  One doctor came by and said he understood that he had a daughter too and laughed about it! By this time, Emily earned the trust of the nurses and doctors and they agreed to take the velcro off her arms so she could move them around.  When the song "Introducing Me" came on,  Emily laughed.  Imagine...this sweet little girl, with IV's coming out from all over, a vent coming out of her mouth and she is laughing!  There is a part in the song where it goes "do, do, do do do do".  When she heard that, she laughed more and then told me to sing it.  I went along with her because it was making her so happy!  Little did I realize how much she was enjoying this.  When the doctors came to do the rounds and the room was filled with doctors and some nurses she wanted me to do it again.  They were all good sports about listening to me sing it and I dealt with the embarrassment!  I was so willing to deal with the little bit of embarrassment to just hear my baby laugh with joy.  Im sure some of it was all the good drugs the were pumping into her but still!  I had to constantly disappoint her by telling her there was no way possible she could go to the play room so to be able to make her smile and laugh...it was pure joy!

There was another time that also brought great joy to my heart.  The ICU nurses are special.  They basically live in your room all day until their shift is over.  There was one day Emily wanted me to lay with her in her bed.  I wanted to so badly but honestly...how could I possibly fit in her bed with her?  I was so terrified I was going to hurt her or something worse!  She had all these wires coming from everywhere and then this big vent coming out...there is no way this was ever going to happen.  Then, our sweet nurse said, "She wants you to lay with her, you can lay with her"!  It brought tears to my eyes that she maneuvered  everything around so I could carefully lay in bed with her.   A situation that was so  stressful and emotional ~ she (the nurse) allowed a few minutes of bonding time.  A few minutes of just normalcy!  I meant the world to me.

It amazes me how the Lord is this way too.  He never leaves us, He is always there just waiting... waiting for us to call on Him.  Waiting to introduce Him to our heart and ask Him to come in.  He is the best Medicine, the best Listener, the best Comforter, the best Healer.  Just as I longed to lay in bed with Emily for just a moment and longed to hear her sweet laugh ~ Jesus longs to hear you say "Come to my heart to stay".  Introduce yourself and your heart to Him ~ He is waiting so patiently for you!

~ As a side note, the girl in this video...she looks like Emily's first nurse she had when went into ICU that morning.  Her name  is ~ Emily!