Be
strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is
the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake
you.”
Deuteronomy 31:6
The summer is coming to an end so quickly which means the kids will be back in school. This is always so bittersweet for me. I LOVE having the kids home with me. I miss them terribly when they return to school BUT I dont miss the fighting! The "missing" of them seems to go away quickly as I get into my routine again. Going to the grocery store ~ BY MYSELF!!! Not having to hear the fighting and begging!
But what this time of year also brings are memories. Memories of sort that I would rather not have to deal with. Memories I wish I never had. I have started to not dwell on it as much as I did on that first "anniversary". I have learned to acknowledge the date and move past it. The date - you ask. The dreadful September 30, 2010 - the morning I had to call 911 for Emily.
I usually dont start thinking about it this soon. I mean really, its like 5 weeks away ~ but whose counting! What started the thought process and this particular date was the story of what happened.
Let me back up a little. Last week, we went up north to my parents place. We spent about 5 days there. Excited for the kids to go swimming in the lake, go to the county fair, maybe go on a little day trip and, of course, get some book reading in (and SHOPPING)! We were all looking forward to it. The kids were able to swim a couple days out of time we were there. It was cold....like October cold! We decided to take a little day trip to the U.P., cross the Mackinaw Bridge (NOT my favorite part, I might add) and then come back (again, having to cross the bridge) and then shop in the city! We shopped and ate dinner there and just had a great time. On the way home, with Benjamin sleeping in the back, Emily simply just asked the question "what happened that day". Bryan began to tell her the story. Some back story and leading up to things and then he got to that morning. As he tell the story, I sat quietly in the passenger seat. Looking out the window in the dark sky but all I could see was that morning. As Bryan spoke the words, the video that I had buried so deep into my mind decided to start playing. The words spoke, almost like he was the narrator for the video I was watching. I could feel my heart start to speed up a little and the fear start to surface. I knew the outcome this time though, but it still didnt make it any easier. The tears in my eyes begin to well up and I do everything to hold them back. I close my eyes and I can once again see my little baby laying in the bed with a vent and IV's coming out from every place possible. All I feel like saying is Lord, I need you!
After he finished, it was a quiet ride back to my parents place. The story seemed like just that ~ a story, even though it was real life but almost three years ago. We went on to enjoy the rest of the time there.
When we got back home, I was quickly reminded about the sub-division garage sale that is going on this weekend. The note that was left on the counter exactly where I had placed it and then a return phone call from the lady in the sub saying she rec'd my message. I was also quickly reminded about how I have so much work ahead of me this week.
Bryan and the kids have been a huge help. Helping to bring things up to the garage, Bryan setting up all the tables for me and starting to get things out, the kids willing to sell some of their toys (ONLY if they get to keep the money for the sale ~ they had me sold)! As we were taking tub after tub up, Bryan pointed over to about 6-8 tubs of clothes that I have. All of these are marked "Emily's clothes" and then the appropriate size that goes along with what is inside. I told him those stay here. I said those were here "steroid" clothes and since she doesnt fit into them now, she will grow back into them! He then went to another part of the basement. He asked me about two other tubs. I was shocked to see these particular tubs still there as I thought I had gotten rid of them. These tubs were marked "Emilys clothes size 7/8". I set those aside to look at what remained in there but later. Later that night I sat down and opened them. My eyes again started filling with tears as I see one tub filled with new clothes. New clothes that all still had the tags on them. New clothes that I had bought for her in 2010 to start the school year off and she never was given the chance to wear them. The pain etched back into my heart again and the sadness took over. It saddens me and once again reminds me of the stages i missed with her. The stages that were stolen from me, from her ~ from this disease. its another slap in the face of how it affected her. I again found myself saying "Lord, I need you".
I realize its "only clothes" but to me, its much more. It represents a loss almost. It represents a time in her life that was affected by this disease. To sit and watch little girls play that are 3 or 4 ~ it hurts. It is a reminder of what we never got to experience. My little girl never got to wear her 24 month Easter dress because she was on steroids and now wearing a 5T. My little girl didnt get to wear the clothes like the other girls in her class because they didnt make them in her size. I know its only clothes - but its what it represents. Her life (and some degree, mine as well) is on a timeline. Its a timeline of "oh, thats when Emily was sick the first time" or "thats when Emily just got of the steroids", etc. Its the loss. Its the sadness that overcomes me when it is something I wasnt expecting. I wasnt expecting to open that tub to find that, to feel the pain again. But after I wiped the tears away before they had a chance to wet my cheek, I was able to say...."thank you Lord, because I need You to help me with this".
In setting things up the way I like to have them for a sale, I found myself also saying, we have her here. We have her and right now, she is doing wonderfully! Right now, she is getting ready to start school and healthy. Right now, the Lord has healed her so she can live a "normal" childhood. I feel blessed. She is growing into such an amazing young lady. She loves the Lord and has given her heart to Him! It melts my heart when I hear Emily and Benjamin singing and singing their hearts out to God. Giving Him the praise. That is what I will choose to dwell on. Those little voices singing...on September 30th this year, that is what my heart and maybe my voice too, will be doing. Giving Him the praise and the glory!
Here is a song I love and when I get into moments of crying out to God ~ this is what my heart crying to Him!
Deuteronomy 31:6
The summer is coming to an end so quickly which means the kids will be back in school. This is always so bittersweet for me. I LOVE having the kids home with me. I miss them terribly when they return to school BUT I dont miss the fighting! The "missing" of them seems to go away quickly as I get into my routine again. Going to the grocery store ~ BY MYSELF!!! Not having to hear the fighting and begging!
But what this time of year also brings are memories. Memories of sort that I would rather not have to deal with. Memories I wish I never had. I have started to not dwell on it as much as I did on that first "anniversary". I have learned to acknowledge the date and move past it. The date - you ask. The dreadful September 30, 2010 - the morning I had to call 911 for Emily.
I usually dont start thinking about it this soon. I mean really, its like 5 weeks away ~ but whose counting! What started the thought process and this particular date was the story of what happened.
Let me back up a little. Last week, we went up north to my parents place. We spent about 5 days there. Excited for the kids to go swimming in the lake, go to the county fair, maybe go on a little day trip and, of course, get some book reading in (and SHOPPING)! We were all looking forward to it. The kids were able to swim a couple days out of time we were there. It was cold....like October cold! We decided to take a little day trip to the U.P., cross the Mackinaw Bridge (NOT my favorite part, I might add) and then come back (again, having to cross the bridge) and then shop in the city! We shopped and ate dinner there and just had a great time. On the way home, with Benjamin sleeping in the back, Emily simply just asked the question "what happened that day". Bryan began to tell her the story. Some back story and leading up to things and then he got to that morning. As he tell the story, I sat quietly in the passenger seat. Looking out the window in the dark sky but all I could see was that morning. As Bryan spoke the words, the video that I had buried so deep into my mind decided to start playing. The words spoke, almost like he was the narrator for the video I was watching. I could feel my heart start to speed up a little and the fear start to surface. I knew the outcome this time though, but it still didnt make it any easier. The tears in my eyes begin to well up and I do everything to hold them back. I close my eyes and I can once again see my little baby laying in the bed with a vent and IV's coming out from every place possible. All I feel like saying is Lord, I need you!
After he finished, it was a quiet ride back to my parents place. The story seemed like just that ~ a story, even though it was real life but almost three years ago. We went on to enjoy the rest of the time there.
When we got back home, I was quickly reminded about the sub-division garage sale that is going on this weekend. The note that was left on the counter exactly where I had placed it and then a return phone call from the lady in the sub saying she rec'd my message. I was also quickly reminded about how I have so much work ahead of me this week.
Bryan and the kids have been a huge help. Helping to bring things up to the garage, Bryan setting up all the tables for me and starting to get things out, the kids willing to sell some of their toys (ONLY if they get to keep the money for the sale ~ they had me sold)! As we were taking tub after tub up, Bryan pointed over to about 6-8 tubs of clothes that I have. All of these are marked "Emily's clothes" and then the appropriate size that goes along with what is inside. I told him those stay here. I said those were here "steroid" clothes and since she doesnt fit into them now, she will grow back into them! He then went to another part of the basement. He asked me about two other tubs. I was shocked to see these particular tubs still there as I thought I had gotten rid of them. These tubs were marked "Emilys clothes size 7/8". I set those aside to look at what remained in there but later. Later that night I sat down and opened them. My eyes again started filling with tears as I see one tub filled with new clothes. New clothes that all still had the tags on them. New clothes that I had bought for her in 2010 to start the school year off and she never was given the chance to wear them. The pain etched back into my heart again and the sadness took over. It saddens me and once again reminds me of the stages i missed with her. The stages that were stolen from me, from her ~ from this disease. its another slap in the face of how it affected her. I again found myself saying "Lord, I need you".
I realize its "only clothes" but to me, its much more. It represents a loss almost. It represents a time in her life that was affected by this disease. To sit and watch little girls play that are 3 or 4 ~ it hurts. It is a reminder of what we never got to experience. My little girl never got to wear her 24 month Easter dress because she was on steroids and now wearing a 5T. My little girl didnt get to wear the clothes like the other girls in her class because they didnt make them in her size. I know its only clothes - but its what it represents. Her life (and some degree, mine as well) is on a timeline. Its a timeline of "oh, thats when Emily was sick the first time" or "thats when Emily just got of the steroids", etc. Its the loss. Its the sadness that overcomes me when it is something I wasnt expecting. I wasnt expecting to open that tub to find that, to feel the pain again. But after I wiped the tears away before they had a chance to wet my cheek, I was able to say...."thank you Lord, because I need You to help me with this".
In setting things up the way I like to have them for a sale, I found myself also saying, we have her here. We have her and right now, she is doing wonderfully! Right now, she is getting ready to start school and healthy. Right now, the Lord has healed her so she can live a "normal" childhood. I feel blessed. She is growing into such an amazing young lady. She loves the Lord and has given her heart to Him! It melts my heart when I hear Emily and Benjamin singing and singing their hearts out to God. Giving Him the praise. That is what I will choose to dwell on. Those little voices singing...on September 30th this year, that is what my heart and maybe my voice too, will be doing. Giving Him the praise and the glory!
Here is a song I love and when I get into moments of crying out to God ~ this is what my heart crying to Him!
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