Big brother ...

Austin 14 1/2 yrs old ~ 12/24/11

Austin...what can I say but he is my first born!  He is almost 15 (man, I feel old).  He really is a great kid.  We have had our times though.  Right now he lives mostly with his dad and he comes to our house every other weekend.  He gives me a hard time but I also understand and I am trying to be more understanding the older he gets.

March 2010 at their birthday party (Austins is the 18th, Emily is the 16th)

I think this has been really hard on him ~ ya know, Emily getting sick.  When she first got sick he was in 4th grade.  I think at that time he maybe blamed  himself a little...he had bronchitis first and then Emily got it and then she was in the hospital with some weird disease that made her get really big and not look like herself.  Emily adored Austin (she still does) so it was very hard on her not seeing him as much when she was inpatient.  Austin would come and see her occasionally at the hospital ~ the entire situation was hard on all of us.  Austin couldnt figure out why i was "choosing" her over him, Bryan had to try and spend time with all of us, Austin was being passed around from this person, to this one, to this one.  It was just hard.  I think he also resented her to some degree too.  I mean, how would you feel, your sister gets sick , you feel like its your fault since you were sick first, your mom leaves to be with her, every time you visit your sister has more gifts (Emily would get something EVERY TIME she had something done...blood drawn - stuffed animal, x-ray - stuffed animal, ultrasound - stuffed animal).   Im sure he was jealous, hurt, angry, sad, guilty and anything else you can put down.  I think that is when the roller coaster started with him.  

At his dads house, he gets all the attention.  His dad and step-mom dont have any kids together so its just Austin!  He gets ALL the attention ~ here he obviously has to share it with two other kids.

Bryan and I probably made a big mistake by not sitting down and discussing Emilys illness with Austin like we should have in 2007.  Sure we told him about it but not to how serious it was.  We didnt want to make him worry about something, I mean, he was just a kid!  This time (2010) when she went into the hospital and was in ICU, we made him come up to see her at least once when she was on a vent.  He HATED every min. he was there.  We felt he is older now and he needs to know that we didnt know if she was going to make it.  He needed to see we werent at the hospital sitting around having a pizza and playing games with the nurses.....she was in serious shape! Even though he sees this, he gets it, but theres a part of me that still feels that maybe he still resents her because she gets so much attention and maybe resents me because i "chose" her over him (which, I think any mom would feel they didnt have the option..they would have to stay with their child that was in the hospital).    

As Austin gets older, I think he gets more mature and I think maybe he understands a little more. If i could go back and change things, I would.  I would make it so Emily never got sick so I could continue staying with both of them...I think that would help where we are today.  The amount of time I was able to give back then - it just wasnt enough to meet the needs of a little boy.  My prayer is that he will grow up and understand everything Emily and us, as a family, has had to deal with, give up because of how serious her illness is.  I pray that he learns to forgive and let go of any ill feelings he has as he matures and grows older and that he understands that I didnt have a choice about going with her and it certainly did not (and does not) mean i love her more.

It does amaze me though, each time he comes over I see a bigger change in him and not for the worse.  I see him growing and maturing.  The conversations he has are more mature and he is actually talking.  There are sometimes thats all he does ~ I wouldnt trade it for the world though!  I love hearing about my sons friends, about the new baseball game for xbox or even a new phone he got.  It may not be an interest of mine but it becomes one because its important  to him. 

He is an amazing son and i hope he realizes just how much i love him.